Many people need to be taught how to apologize in a way that will be heard and accepted.

So, what makes this apology so meaningful.

1. A statement of regret for having caused the inconvenience, hurt, or damage. To feel true regret we need to have empathy for the person we have harmed. This entails imagining how the other person feels and an awareness of the inconvenience, hurt, or damage that you caused the other person. Having empathy for the person you hurt or angered is actually the most important part of your apology

2. A statement of your willingness to take some action to remedy the situation either by promising to not repeat your action, a promise to work toward not making the same mistake again, a statement as to how you are going to remedy the situation or by making restitution for the damages you caused. Just saying you are sorry is insulting unless you offer reassurances that you will not do it again.

Apology is a powerful interaction that has an almost magical ability to provide healing for both the offended and the offender. Let’s not diminish our opportunities to heal, grow, and change our lives and the lives of others for the better by refusing to admit our wrongs or by giving half-hearted, bumbled, or insulting apologies. 

On the other hand, we know for some people, it is very difficult to sincerely apologize. Why is that?

1. A matter of pride. To apologize is to set aside our pride long enough to admit our imperfections. For some people, this feels far too vulnerable, too dangerous. It means they have to admit they are flawed and fallible, something they refuse to do. And apologizing also overrides our tendency to make excuses or blame others. This acceptance of responsibility for our own actions is so out of character for some that it is nearly impossible.  

2. Fear of being shamed.  Some people have been so severely shamed in their childhood that they can’t tolerate any further shaming.  This includes admitting when they are wrong or apologizing for mistakes.

3. The fear of consequences. Many people fear that if they take the risk of apologizing, they may be rejected. “What if he never speaks to me again,” and “What if she leaves me?” are two of our most common fears. Others fear that by apologizing they risk being exposed to others or of having their reputations ruined. “What if he tells everyone what I did?” is the common fear of those who fear this consequence. The fear of exposure or even arrest may prevent us from doing what we know we need to do. Even those who would like to apologize for wrongdoing hold back out of fear of being sued or arrested, or due to the advice of legal counsel.  

4. A lack of awareness. Many people don’t apologize because they are oblivious to the effect their actions have on others. They don’t apologize because they are simply unaware that they have anything to apologize for. They may be so focused on what others have done to harm them that they can’t see how they have harmed others, or they just may be so self-focused that they are unable to see the effect their behavior has on others. 

5. The inability to empathize. By far, the most significant reason why so many of us have difficulty apologizing it that we lack empathy for others, that quality that enables us to put ourselves in the place of the other person.  In order to truly apologize we need to be able to imagine how our behavior or attitude has affected the other person. Unfortunately, many people are unable to do this. Some have to be reminded how to have empathy, others have to be taught.

Apology has the power to humble the most arrogant of people. When we are able to develop the courage to admit when we are wrong and to work past our fears and resistance to apologizing, we develop a deep sense of respect for ourselves. This self-respect can, in turn, affect our self-esteem, our self-confidence and our overall outlook on life. When I apologize to you, I show you that I respect you and care about your feelings. I let you know that I did not intend to hurt you and that it is my intention to treat you fairly in the future. By accepting my apology, you not only show me (and yourself) that you have a generous spirit but that you are giving me and our relationship another chance. In addition, you are reminded of your own mistakes and this in turn can encourage you to treat me and others with more respect and consideration.